On Internet Scams

I, like most people in 2015, stream all my media on the internet. Also I, like many people in 2015, am poor enough that I don’t want to bother to pay a premium for content. I, like many sons of cheap men, am cheap enough that I don’t mind wading through a constant stream of pop-ups and banner ads to watch the new episode of “Game of Thrones.” Being on the legit side of streaming doesn’t really make much sense in my opinion, since you’ll probably end up needing to subscribe to a couple different websites anyway. But I digress.

Sure, it sometimes takes forever to find a video that a) doesn’t take four hours to load b) isn’t in worse-than-VHS quality c) isn’t dubbed in Chinese. Sure, it’s a fucking hassle to click out of 4 pop-up windows every time you need to pause the video. But to save $10+ a month, I’m OK with that. And even though I personally don’t pay a dime, these illegal sites still make money. How?

This should be obvious. All those damn ads that, as one friend so eloquently put, are so incredibly click friendly. The ones that blare “Grow a bigger dick!” or “Please your woman tonight!” or “5 minute cure for hair loss!” or “Make a million dollars this month!” or your biggest mistake “Have an affair at AshleyMadison.com!”

All of these promise things more outrageous that the last. Easy money, easy big dicks, easy sex with supermodels. Who the hell actually is buying into this? Well, let’s follow it down the rabbit hole.

I’ve clicked on a few of these banners before, out of pure curiosity in how in the hell they can come through on a promise to have you making $20,000 a month WORKING FROM YOUR HOME OMG SIGN ME UP. They invariably give you just enough of a teaser to make it seem at least KINDA legit, then you gotta pony up your own cash. Today I felt inspired to “Find your Russian match today” because the advertisement told me with all assurance that “These girls won’t let you get bored.” Good, I’m bored of re-watching Bojack Horseman (not really) I want to meet my “Russian bride.” So I clicked.

Basically, it was the same shit I thought it would be, “profile” after “profile” of impossibly attractive women that were just dying to meet my virtual self. For common-sense and hilarity purposes I chose my friend’s name “Oliver Brown” as an alias. I clicked on a profile, where professional photos reminiscent of the preview section on paid pornography sites are meant to tantalize (and/or make it super obvious this is fake???) the male visitors. Alright, this chick “Nadejda” is very attractive, how do I make her my bride in five minutes? Excellent question.

Well to do that I have to send her “premium smiles,” but to do that I need to chat her, and to do that I…drumroll…need to pay. Not too much, $0.50/minute, but if my experience is any record I’ve talked to girls for far longer than that and nary gotten an OTPHJ much less her hand in marriage. Things are likely to get expensive, especially because my credit card would get automatically charged until I deleted my account and abandon all hopes of ever meeting my sweet “Nadejda.” Of course, there are other options for how I can spend my money. Maybe I should buy her some flowers so she knows I love her…good thing they’re only 484 space credits divided by $10 for 20 credits equals……….fuck those are expensive roses. Maybe just the teddy bear then. Or the perfume? Good, they’ll send me a stock photo of her receiving the gift so I know it’s legit.

The only conclusion I draw from the repeated placement of these click-bait advertisements aimed at depressed, poor, bald, sexless men is that they must work. I know the Bible said usury is bad, but making money off sad, ugly dudes hoping they can actually marry these women is disgusting. I mean they can’t even pay for Hulu Plus.

Sure I won’t pay $10/month for Netflix, but dropping $250 on an imaginary teddy bear for an imaginary Russian woman sounds reasonable. Eh fuck it, I’ll get HBO. Wait…it doesn’t work in my country?

Sup Nadejda.

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